I’m currently living the cliche Sunday morning dream; coffee in hand, mindless laptop scrolling with lofi music softly playing in the background. Noone else is up. Quiet, even if it is only for an hour or so.
These small moments of joy are so fleeting, it’s such a rarity for me to actually stop and acknowledge the moment when I’m in the middle of it. When life is moving a much slower pace (thanks panoramic) one of the only silver linings is that growth of appreciation. I don’t know about you, but this period has really put my life into slow motion, and allowed me to see it for what it really is. Frame by frame.
Of course, that change of pace also means a lot more time for thinking, thinking, and oh yeah, thinking some more. Whilst most of the memories my tired mind brings up are soft and comforting bursts of hazy nostalgia, there is a small portion which revisits forgotten friendships and poor decisions. Often followed by a knot in my stomach and a strange sense of remorse.
Should I feel guilty for relationships I’ve lost and the choices I’ve made?
What I’m starting to realise (it’s taken me long enough) is that life isn’t straightforward. Not every friendship is forever and no choice you make has to define who you are. Just because you are X one day doesn’t mean you can’t be Y the next. Things will move in and out of your life, but they don’t necessarily need to be good or bad.
I used to spend so much time worrying about things in my life that happened - literally - years ago, but why? Cliche (I mean c’mon do you expect anything less from me?) but I can’t change the past. As much as I’d like to hop in the DeLorean, there’s no way I can venture back to teenage me and try to rekindle something for the sake of rekindling it. Plus, that would mean putting concealer on my lips again, and I don’t think anything is worth reliving that phase *shivers*.
So what’s the point of this post you may be wondering. Really, it’s a bit of a reminder, to you and honestly me too. A reminder that those moments of joy really are there, even in those times where the waves are crashing around your ankles and you feel like you’re treading water. It’s easy to forget what joy feels like, but you’ll feel it again soon, I promise.
I would love to know what joy feels like to you. Hope you’re keeping safe and well, and sending love, as always x
