Time isn't real, but you are

Time isn’t real. It’s like my own personal existential crisis laced mantra but recently it’s begun to feel painfully true. You’d think I’d be used to that feeling by now; after all, mine (and maybe your) sense of time and space has been warped beyond comprehension since March 2020. And yet, the fact I was in a hotel bar just a few days ago clinking in yet another new year still managed to jut me in the ribs as a champagne flavoured shock. 

Why? I can never quite put my finger on it. It’s not as if the past 365 days have flitted by without memory or meaning. So much has happened and yet I’m pulled in by the same kind of sadness

I feel on my birthday; it’s warm, hopeful, it’s nostalgic and bittersweet. The overwhelming tidal wave

of another year gone by quickly replaced by another as if it had been there all along. A relentlessness that’s both full of what could have been but also of promise. *Sigh*

It’s supposed to be a shining symbolic beacon, newness and reinvention. Thankfully, most of the ‘new year, new me’ rhetoric has fizzled out, but the remnants still very much linger in various shapes or forms, which isn’t in of itself a bad thing. My skepticism towards this drive for change has similarly waned over the years, but I’m still a stickler for needing the reason behind it. In other words, not changing because we’ve completed another trip around the sun, but because we want to. 

And what about the changes we’ve collected without even realising it? The ones we didn’t need diet plans or resolutions for. While the places we find ourselves in on 1 January may feel painfully the same, we are not. We’ve been heartbroken, we’ve been head over heels, we’ve discovered parts of ourselves we’re trying to understand and come to terms with. Even if time isn’t real, the way we have become different people - not better or worse - is a poignant reminder that we very much are. 

Happy 2023, I hope you’re keeping well and staying safe - I promise my next post will be more upbeat, maybe.

Photos by the incredible PortraitsByRita 

xxx

Main character energy

Whether you're taking selfies in a public toilet, re-watching the US version of the Office or swanning around Stockport pretending to be Cruella Deville, just a little reminder that you're always the main character in your own life. Here's to making that plot twist a good'n. Happy Saturday ❤

Photos by the incredible Livia Lazar

London: What I've learnt so far

I can't quite believe I've been living down South for nearly a year. 

London life has been more of a shift than I ever expected; from the cost  of a cup of coffee to the wonder of 24/7 public transport, day-to-day existence in the capital city has been so much more than red buses and Big-Ben themed keyrings. It's meant getting used to a completely different place, meeting brand new people and doing my best impression of a fully fledged adult. More than anything, it's meant change - and definitely not the financial kind. Whatsoever.

So, in what has so far been a relatively brief stint in the capital, I thought I'd share a few things I've observed, acknowledged and learnt along the way.  Things that the guidebooks may choose not to include. Please read at your own discretion. 

1. If you take anything away from this post, remember this: when in London, you cannot stop. Once you get off the train at Euston or you touch down at Heathrow, whether you're stopping to tie your shoes, to check your phone or to turn the page of the latest bestseller, hesitation is not an option. Extra points if you can do any of these things whilst moving at 60 mph on the left hand side of the escalator. Which brings me nicely into my next tip.

2. Rush hour takes on a whole new meaning. Whilst previously I was lucky if my bus home turned up, now I can choose from about five trains home, all due in the next ten minutes. The one small sticking point is that there's probably a 2cm space for me and my bag to squeeze into, which means room to breathe is somewhat of a pipe dream.  On a serious note, a week or so ago, I actually did dream about getting a seat on my morning commute. Crushed when I woke up. Extra points if you line up your position on the platform with the train doors. 

4. Prepare for serious fashion envy. Whilst I imagine the same goes for most big cities, the commitment to looking incredible is higher in London than I've seen ever before. Whether it's a Monday morning busy train ride or Saturday night soiree in central, the sheer range of streetstyle on offer never fails to blow me away. Extra points if you're guilty of taking an #ootd photo in front of the multi coloured houses in Notting Hill.

5. Go with the flow. Probably most importantly, finding a rhythm and sticking to it has been the best way for me to be able to cope with living in a big city. Getting used to so much change is always hard at first, particularly when anxiety levels are at an all time high. I was scared about where I would be living and not seeing my favourite people nearly as much as I wanted to. Routines are important, but so is taking every day as it comes and just making the most of it. I've loved exploring, have taken advantage of being somewhere new and am constantly learning so much more than I would have done otherwise. It's been a rollercoaster, and I don't think I'm ready to get off just yet.

Do you live in London or have you ever visited? What tips would you give?

xxx

photos by the fab @bartekbasista_portraits

Season of change

For me, Autumn has always felt slightly strange.

It's something I have never quite been able to put my finger on, but the months between August and December feel almost dreamlike to me, with the cooler days somewhat shrouded in a blanket of mystery and magic. I'm not simply talking about Halloween - though my binge watching of Hocus Pocus has definitely had a part to play in my fondness for the season - it's a quality that's embedded into the season itself.

'Overcast skies still brimming with the promise of sunlight mean that the warmth lingers until the early evening, when that crisp coldness reminds you that Summer is well and truly over.'

Granted, I may be envisioning a highly romanticised version of this time of year, but it's hard to deny that there's something about the fleeting sunlight, leaf carpeted pavements and bonfire night parties that yields a feeling of comfort. It's perhaps no surprise to learn that whilst strange, Autumn continues to be my favourite time of year. 

Whilst the season also tends to remind us that tinsel and fairylights are not too far away, for me it also signposts that a much greater change is on the way; moving to London.*

As someone who is very comfortable 'up-North', the decision to move to the capital was far from easy, mainly because I am literally petrified of change. That being said, the job opportunity presented to me was far too significant to pass up.

This led me to decide that even though it had been offered uniquely in London, it's something that I need to do. Regardless of aforementioned fear of change. 

This is something you may be thinking would probably be worth a post all on it's own - and you'd probably have a point. It's just that, as the move is something I'm really still trying to come to terms with myself, carefully footnoting it to a post makes the whole thing seem much less scary and significant to me than it really is. In a nutshell, it's a coping mechanism - perhaps not one therapist approved, but a makeshift one nonetheless. 

Anyway, if you have any advice/guidance on life down South do let me know. I'd also love to hear if you can relate to my feelings on Autumn - do you have a favourite season?

photos c/o the lovely Bartek Basista 

xxx

*I can't tell you how hard it was to avoid leaf metaphors here. The temptation was real.